I’ve noticed lately that Michael is being much nicer and kinder to me. He’s been sober from heroin for 3 months. I’m smart enough to know that a relapse is not at all out of the realm of possibility.
Tonight, he made love to me. I say those words specifically because it was very different from what I’ve come to expect from him. He was cradling me in his arms. He was a lot closer to me physically, even almost laying his chest on top of mine. He’s never done that before. He took his time. And it was very relaxing and calm. I didn’t reach orgasm, but I never really do. It’s not easy for me, especially given my strange interest in dominance and submission. I never could have predicted that would ever be arousing to me. There’s something about being in control of the man and even humiliating him that seems to turn me on. There’s rage inside me towards men. That’s what I think. Somehow the wires got crossed when it comes to my sexuality. I feel like there’s something wrong with me because of this.
I just had a memory of my father telling me, when I was a little girl, that there was nothing better than laying on top of a woman’s breasts. Why would you say that to your daughter? I also remember looking at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition one year. I was interested in how pretty the girls were and I liked the bathing suits. I guess I was wondering if I would ever look like that. Well, leave it to my perverted father to screw that up in my head. He sat me next to him and went through the magazine with me taking care to point out that “it’s cold where they are taking those pictures because her nipples are hard). I did tell my mother about this in later years and she agreed it was “wrong” but she didn’t do anything about it.
Anyway, Michael and I have been getting closer emotionally. We’re starting to talk about the future and he’s feeling better about himself. I’m just so scared I’m not going to get the teaching job I want. I’m praying.